


Death's Hunt

by What_is_in_a_username



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Fantasy, Gen, Humor, Original Character-centric, Puns about death, Takes place 5 years after war, not focused on relationships, or rather
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-07 23:52:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14092479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/What_is_in_a_username/pseuds/What_is_in_a_username
Summary: "God damn it! The boy died again and still has no flipping idea. Why me, what did I do to deserve such an idiotic master?" Death is not having a good day. Keeping her supposedly immortal master alive, organizing the induction of the newly dead, planning the next natural disaster, and the growing pile of paperwork is too much. Something has to be done.The entity known as Death descend to the mortal realm to scold her Master, but get a little distracted along the way. Her resulting adventures cause Wizarding Britain no small amount of trouble.





	1. Chapter 1

**Prologue: In which Death is Plagued by the Living**

"God damn it!" A harsh cry rang out through the halls of the ebony palace. "The boy died again and still has no flipping idea." The voice shrieked again. "Why me, what did I do to deserve such an idiotic master? That last earthquake wasn’t even a record breaker."

A great sigh was heard as suddenly, rounding a corner, appeared a tall striking young woman. She was pale, white as bone with hair to match and black inky scribbles covering her skin. As she stalked down the corridor her long slivery cloak billowing out behind her adding to the dramatic effect.

"Once was acceptable, twice maybe understandable, but this is the last straw, in the past 5 years he has died 73 times! Who dies 73 times in 5 years, hmm? And most of them were just plain stupid. Seriously, death by Knight bus, Twice! Eventually, you would think he’d learn to not stand in the middle of the road.”  As her rant continued on the creatures she was complaining to crept into view behind her, all of nodding indulgently. They were a flock of Gargoyles, being that looked like bloody red statues with a variety of horns and wings, and all of them wielded note taking materials. They were furiously noting down information and doing all the work their leader was currently ignoring.

"Well if he keeps this up, I will go all the way to the ephemeral plane and tell him just how much of a complete and utter imbecile he is, myself." The lady announced. Then in the brief quiet, a noise was heard, it was startlingly loud and echoed around the group. Her pocket chimed again and she pulled out a crimson device, her eyes glowing a dangerous shade red, there on a screen plain letters read:

“Death of VIP: Harry James Potter

Time: NOW

Cause: Tripping while running with knives.”

The corridor was select for a beat as the woman processed the words. The Gargoyles all unnecessarily hold their breath.

"AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH! That is it, I. AM. DONE. If you want something done right you have to them yourself. Clear my schedule, I am going on a trip." And so, Harry Potter unleashed Death, the destroyer of worlds, upon the mortal realm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1: In Which Paul the Previously Unnamed Suffers**

Death has a bad reputation because of the whole killing people thing, but really, she was doing her duty, if you wanted to blame anyone/thing it should be Fate. Everyone was always making Death the bad guy, however she was a relatively benevolent deity.  It generally assumes the visage and mentality of a young human female. She typically spent her time organizing the induction of the newly dead, planning the next natural disaster, and handling the growing pile of paperwork. Luckily, being ruler of the departed came with benefits like being able to sentence souls in need of punishment to a few lifetimes of slavery, in the form of secretarial work. Death was notoriously lazy and had an overabundance of souls who deserved a little paperwork torture, so she had several thousand of similar slaves at time. They usually served until their rocky bodies wore down then were transferred to another division, maybe the human resource office if they had murdered puppies during their life time. However, even with help Death had reached her breaking point.

Five years ago, Harry James Potter had gained possession of all three of her hallows and died for the first time. At that time, he was awarded the title and privileges that goes with it. Death had been busy at the moment and Harry was in hurry to go win a war or something. So, she sent a familiar soul to go and talk to the boy, someone he knew and would feel comfortable with, but Dumbledore went rogue. He was supposed to inform him of his duties. He didn’t. Instead he went and had lovely conversation, completely neglecting his orders. Then he lets the boy go thinking it was a delusion he had dreamt up.

Now after 5 years and 74 deaths later, some of them truly ridiculous, Death had had enough. No longer was she willing to let him figure it out on his own, he was apparently a record breaking idiot. She did not care about the rising influx of insect related deaths or the fact she had unfiled paperwork older than some civilizations, she was going to do something about this. If you want something done right it seems, you’ve got to do it yourself.

oOoOoOo

Transport between the planes of existence was fairly simple. You take a portal here, pass through veil or two, find a passage through mist there and you were on a different plane. Unfortunately for Death and her tagalong minion, earth was a pretty big place and they were on the wrong continent.

No biggie though because Death was an all-powerful God, she could just magic herself to Britain.

oOoOo 1st Attempt oOoOo

They to landed smack dab in the middle of a wedding ceremony in Timbuktu. This all-powerful god had gotten a little rusty. She then had to convinced the wedding party she wasn’t there to devour their souls, danced a bit with the guests, enjoyed some fine African cuisine and gave an impromptu blessing to the happy couple. After the party was over several hours later, Death tried again.

oOoOo 9 apperations and 15 hours later oOoOo

They stood outside a train station, King's Cross, in the middle of London, the mundanes flowing around them unknowing and unaware as a stream diverting around a rock. The morning sun was shining brightly when Death descended to the mortal realm. Her crimson gargoyle underling glinted the jolly shade of cherry Kool-Aid. Death herself cringed, shuddered and put up her silver hood to protect her corpse-like complexion. The cloak also had the added benefit of looking badass and of course stereotypical. All she needed now was a sharp scythe.

She looked around at the crowed station, full of ordinary people rushing through their lives unknowing of the brush with death. It was first time in a century she had physically entered the ephemeral plane where humans lived. Everything looked different than what she normally saw. It was nice, the deity decided and she did not really want to head home so soon.

 “Well then the last known death of my moronic master was in the newly renovated Potter Manner….” A deep overly dramatic sigh escaped her pale lips before they curled in a truly terrifying grin made of all bared teeth. She turned slowly, her appearance growing darker as she focused on her slave.  “…. but ya’ know I haven’t been out of that office for at least a decade and really magical Britain has changed so much since the last batch of dark lords with Grindelwald and Tommy boy. So Sight Seeing first don’t you think?”

This minion had served already a lifetime, and therefore was well aquatinted with her habits but was relatively new at serving directly under the Boss lady. It was bad enough hearing about and experiencing the ripples of her actions. Now the minion was beginning to feel a headache coming on which was fairly impressive considering it as a block of stone animated with a damned soul by Death to do administration tasks. It could only nod sadly in the face of Death.

“Hey my loyal follower did I ever give you a name? Eh, you know what? Even if I did I’m changing it now. How do you feel about Paul? I like Paul.” Tears were rolling silently the newly named Paul’s face, it didn’t want to be named Paul and really it would prefer working on paperwork. “I think first I’m going to need some money so let’s go to Gringotts.”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2: In Which Stan Flirts with Death

  
Death decided to walk, it really had been too long since she had stretched her legs, not to mention for some reason Paul really didn’t want to try apperating again. As she strolling through the London streets she got a few strange looks, but it’s the 21st century and there are plenty of weirder things than an abnormally tall woman with an odd cloak. Paul had enough sense to place a glamour over himself but didn’t attempt to change his mistress’s appearance. It’s a sad day when an animated rock is considered more sensible you.  
The walk shouldn’t have taken long, really they weren’t even that far away.

  
It took all day.

  
Death personified wanted to ride the London Eye. She also had to visit clock tower of Big Ben and she couldn’t possibly skip ridding around in one of the super cool red buses. Then she was hungry, she wanted to see the London bridge, she had to buy souvenirs for all her favorite reapers. Paul was worried they hadn’t even made it to the magical side of the city and Death was acting like an American tourist.

  
On a completely unrelated note, London saw a record high number of hospital admittance and the death count that day, from both accidental and natural causes.   
They walked up streets, saw iconic sights, caused minor disasters, and bought unnecessary items. Death did not even have proper money because they still hadn’t made it to the bank. Instead, she paid for it all by making her own pounds and ruining the British economy. So sorry about that, but she really wanted to get the neat t-shirt. Poor Paul was laden like a beast of burden, and not one gift purchased had been for him.

  
Finally after all those long hours in the sun, salvation came to Paul, suddenly, in a stroke of brilliance, he had recalled the local traveling deathtrap.   
Then with a combination of sign language and interpretive dance he described to Death the infamous and potential lethal Knight Bus that could take them anywhere they wanted. Suddenly muggle London just wasn’t as exciting. After all, it wasn’t called a death trap for nothing, right?

  
oOoOoOoOo

  
Stan was having a decent day. He had woken up in a good mood, had a nice breakfast and headed off to work. Today on the bus hadn’t managed to spoil it, it has been 2 weeks since the last accident and concurrent pedestrian flattening, nobody had been bodily thrown from the vehicle since last Tuesday either. He only had to work the day shift and was getting off in only a few more hours. All was good.

  
The bus pulled up at their latest stop, somewhere along the Thames, and he paused in his nose picking to begin his usual spiel.

  
“Good evening. I’m Stan Shunpike and I’ll be your conductor for today…” then he looked up, his world came screeching to a halt, much like the Knight bus was prone to do, and he was stunned. (This being a harry potter fanfic where people are actually stunned, it should be stated he was only metaphorically stunned.)

  
That’s when he saw her. His Love. She was beautiful. Her skin was like ivory, her hair like a smooth waterfall of sweet cream. Her eyes were sparkling rubies. Her divine figure was clothed in a silver cloak that revealed hints of an intricate black design on her flawless arms.

  
Stan was in love. He had never seen such a girl, no, such a Lady, in all his years working the night bus. So, he came to a decision. If Stan was more educated he would compare her to some famous Greek marble sculpture designed by an old master. However, Stan was not. He slicked back his hair, puffed of his chest and said in his most charming voice, “Now who might chu be darling? And are chu free tonight?” That was Stan, one smooth Casanova. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3: In Which the Goblins Sympathized with Paul**

Luckily for Stan, Death was in a good mood and when she and Paul disembarked at the Leaky Calderon he was still alive enough to gaze longingly out the window as they drove away.

The Leaky Calderon was only moderately crowded, it was a late summer afternoon and most people had better things to do. The occupants looked at Death the same way the wizards on the bus had, with curiosity and slight fear. Most creatures especially magical ones could feel the aura She possesses, wizards could too but to a smaller degree. They knew something was different and deadly about her but not that she Death personified. Honestly, the shiny golem attracting more attention, animated stone servants is so last century, house elves are the current trend.

Death and her fashion faux pas swept through the room and out the back, not even taking note of the of stares because really, you get used to it after the first millennia. Then out in the alley, the brick wall opened and the new Diagon alley was revealed.

Restoration after the war was easy enough a bit of wand waving and poof your store was brand-new. The biggest difference was the owners, Flourish and Blots was no longer run by Mr. Flourish and his partner Blots. However, Death being Death was well aware of who was dead.

The thing that caught her eye was the eyesore known as Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. Death was fond of Weasleys and couldn't wait until she completed her latest matching pair of twins. While she was here she definitely wanted to meet the living one. She started over in direction of the loud bangs and whistles.

Paul shook his head and tugged on her robe, gesturing toward the large marble bank. Oh, that's right Death has no money and she already ruined one economy today, she can wait until she can buy things to visit.

Death likes Gringotts. She always has, even back when it opened in 1474. However, the goblins just don't feel the same way about her. This is fairly unsurprising considering Goblins don't like dying and each of the entity's visits to their bank resulted in mass chaos and/or murder. Something about rebellions, robbery and that not being where the Nifflers belong. Oh well Death like the greedy little creature, they just so bloodthirsty and "ugly in a cute way" her words.

The Goddess chuckled at the message at the door and reminisced about when she took them up on their challenge. Then taking a deep breath she kicked open the giant doors.

"I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Did ya miss me?" She bared her sharp silver teeth in a feral grin. Six goblins fainted (she was sad, she wanted to break her record) and the wizards all stared like they weren't sure if she wasn't a figure of their imaginations.

The Head Teller blinked rapidly and then slam his clawed hand down on a large red button. Suddenly the goblins sprang into action like an anthill when poked. You could hear gobbledygook be spoken over the PA and there was a red light were flashing down from the ceiling. All of the wizards were hurried out the doors as Gringotts when into a full lockdown. In the background, Death could be heard laughing so hard there were bloody tears running down her face. Paul also crying, but his sobs were silent.

Finally, after all the bank was occupied with only goblins, Death, Paul and a few dragons, Head Goblin Ragnok stepped forward in full battle gear.

"Lady Death you have come again to our humble establishment, what can we do for you?" He bit out the polite words that looked like they caused him physical pain to enunciate.

"Well I'm going to be in town for a while and I need some gold. Also, someone finally united my hallows so any info you got on one Harry Potter would be great." At the name 'Harry Potter' the goblins bristled.

"Figures that the thief would associate with you. If you claim responsibility of that human, you'll have to pay for the damage he did to the bank." The words were far less polite and term human was pronounced like one might say bubonic plague. But that was fine with Death, she liked how grumpy the goblins were and as for pay for the stuff, well she made a lot of long term investments and was ridiculously wealthy. How much damage could one wizard cause anyway?

The answer was apparently a lot. The list of finable offenses was as followed:

  1. Entering Gringotts under disguise
  2. Cursing the staff
  3. Infiltrating a paying customers vault
  4. Feeding goblins to the dragon
  5. Freeing said dragon
  6. Escaping on the dragon
  7. Destroying a large portion of the Bank while escaping



And finally

  1. Stealing an item from a vault (they don’t like it when you do that)



 

Death left the building much poorer than when she entered.


	5. Chapter 5

**A brief interlude with Harry**

Harry had been having a strange day. To be fair he’d been having a strange 5 years. He was 22 now and worked at the ministry as an Auror. He was currently single, after his girlfriend, Ginny Weasely decide to pursue professional Quidditch and their life go too busy to have a long-distance relationship. He lived in the renovated the old Potter Manor and was sort of running a house elf rescue center there. But if you really want to understand it you should ask Hermione.

Anyway, Harry was having a strange day.  He had been cooking dinner and fighting off overly helpful elves when he tripped. Then he woke up to a circle of house elves trying to decide if they should remove the knife from his chest. Apparently, they had concurred that, yes, knives don’t belong in chests and ripped it out causing Harry to faint once more. He woke up again in his bed with the house elves all staring at him and in perfect health. The elves had denied healing him only admitting to finishing cooking dinner after he passed out.

Most wizards would be freaking out, but Harry was only mildly concerned, more so about the dinner. The past 5 years after Voldemort’s demise had been pretty dangerous for him what with all the crazy Deatheaters out for revenge. He had had some pretty close calls in the past but really he was reasonably sure that he should be dead. However, he was used to it what with the whole boy-who-lived thing and all those years at Hogwarts, so Harry had a skewed perception of what was deadly. 

But this time he was sure, a knife to the chest should have killed him and well… It hadn’t. So, he firecalled Ron and Hermione. After lecturing him about “no Harry it isn’t normal to walk away after the knight bus hits you” and “it’s called the killing curse for a reason” they determined that Harry was too stupid to die. In fact, he was un-killable. Somewhere he was sure that Tom Riddle was laughing himself to seven pieces.

So, having decided that yes harry was un-killable they went ahead and ate the dinner the elves had made because really Harry had done more surprising things before and by now Ron and Hermione were used to it. Another day in the life Harry Potter.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello world! This is the first time I am trying to write something a little bit longer and in the humor category. I apologize about the grammar I struggle with it and have no one to review my work for me. Anyway I know the prologue is short, the chapters should be longer. Please leave a kudos or a comment to let me know what you think.


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